Posted by
Marked in Pgh on Wednesday, June 25, 2008 2:08:08 PM
The world's population has doubled. Sorry, we're still endangered. The world's population of polar bears has also doubled in the same time and they have just been named an endangered species by the Inferior Dept. According to that criteria, we are just as endangered. With well over 50,000 polar bears alive today and considering the large ranges needed to support each solitary predator, as Andrews in Random Notes pointed out today, how can these big killers be considered threatened, let alone endangered? There are in fact places in the world where there is a population explosion in polar bears, like the town of Chrchill in Canada where they are hanging out at the local dump and are growing fat on a man made smorgasbord. How can they be endangered and living off human generosity?.
We need far less land per person to survive, and considering one in every three humans live in only two countries, Red China and India, isn't the rest of the world then underpopulated in comparison? Where are the set asides of pristine lands for humans then? Why, there's areas of the world, like the Sahara where they are very rare. In Antarctica, where there is no permenent, breeding populations, humans are practically extinct and may be in the process of being crowded out by penguin urban sprawl.
We need to patition Congress (or is that partition Congress?) for huge set asides of pristine environments as natural game preserves, like the entire state of Nevada. These game preserves will provide a sheltered environment for the growth of gambling venues, hotel accomidations, babes and beer for the highly endangered American Male, a subset of the human species much maligned, hunted and harassed during the preceding thirty to forty years, to the point of extinction. Don't forget the airconditioning, an American birthright, and plenty of water and ice so we can soak our heads from the hangovers engendered by our nightly mating activities in the local pickup sites called bars and casinos. We also need to set aside vast tracts of endless buffets to feed and satiate the same endangered group.
Congress has already provided such funding, and yet they don't even know it. The brothels in Nevada's counties of less than 400,000 endangered humans are really hurting and need immediate attention or it may be too late. The local brothels' main customer base are truckers, who are making less visits because of the increased cost of fuel brought about by the same unfeeling Congress. This is all according to something I heard on the radio, which turned me into an advocate for change. We can choose now to have the audacity of hope, and Congress has stumbled upon it. Many of the truckers have been using their new, $600 government checks sent to them by the same Congress to pay for the services. Some enlightened brothels, in tune with the needs of this endangered group, are even offering two for one specials-twice the mating activities at the same price. Well, they are stimulant checks, after all. Humans need more stimulation, or we just might die out.
The salution is obvious. If we want to solve this impending disaster, we need more natural human game preserves, watering holes and breeding programs with smorgasbords of activities and endless buffets. More Texas Hold'em tournaments would be just jiffy. If man made generosity can save the polar bears at the Churchill dump and increase their numbers, it can save us as well. Call your congressman today and demand more funding for this new, crucial program. Sometimes, environmental activism makes sence, now deal while I order the next round.